Due to the overwhelming success of my first casting column (HAMA MAMA CASTS BATMAN SE7EN) I'm back with another issue of the number 1 casting column for a number 1 fan favorite film: TWILIGHT EPISODE TWO: A NEW MOON.
Because you are not an informed entertainment reporter like myself, you may not know that Christopher Weitz has taken over the directing reigns from Cathy Hardwicke for the sequel. This prince of motion pictures previously brought us American Pie, About a Boy, and Golden Compass: Edge of the World. These were all massive worldwide hits, and illustrate Christopher’s expertise in making fantastical elements feel realistic, such as Jason Biggs having sex with a hot girl or Nicole Kidman being able to move her face.
The rumor mill is a spinning with the news that Jacob (the underage Native American who turns into a werewolf) will be recast in the new Twilight film. Hama Mama strongly agrees with this decision, as she has a hard time picturing Sharkboy turning into a Wolfboy. While they both have sharp teeth and are deadly killers, they also are from two different worlds (i.e. - Sharks live in the Ocean, and Werewolves live on the moon). Sorry Taylor Lautner, you’ll just have to live off the massive residual checks from the first film until they make Sharkboy and Lavagirl 2.
To help Christopher Weitz, Stephanie Meyer, and the professional movie distributors at Summit Entertainment, I am willing to offer some free casting advice. In lieu of payment, I would appreciate a signed Twilight book for my niece.
HAMA MAMA GUIDE TO RECASTING JACOB aka HAIRY NATIVE WEREWOLF AMERICAN
1) The obvious choice - ROBERT PATTINSON
We already know the Twilight fans love this dreamy dreamboat. He was beyond excellent as Edmond in the first film. Who else could make sparkly skin seem so broody? He was totally believable when pretending that having sparkly skin was a terrible curse, and when pretending the delectable Kristin Rachel Stewart smelled like rotten socks stuffed with rotten crabmeat. This guy has chops! And he can act too! So let's just cut to the chase. Your best bet is to cast Robert Pattinson as both Edmond AND Jacob. Put him in white-sparkly-face for the Vampire and red-hairy-face for the Werewolf, and you guarantee yourself at least $500 billion worldwide. The best part is that my niece told me Edmond disappears for most of the second story anyway!
2) ALL CG CHARACTER VOICED BY ROBERT PATTINSON
OK, so you're worried that maybe it will be confusing if Robert Pattinson is playing both of Bella's love interests. I think you're wrong, but I respect your wrong opinion. With science where it is today, I think the wizards at Industrial Wizards and Magic can make an incredible CG werewolf creature with all the acting ability of Robert Pattinson, but without the confusingly perfect cheekbones and stunning vampire brow. This way you can dial in exactly how "Native" you want the Native American. For bonus fanboy and fangirl love I would get Gollum to do the motion capture for Jacob.
3) WILL SMITH
Sure, he's not as big of a movie star as Robert Pattinson, but he's definitely a step up from Taylor Lautner. There's a bit of an age difference to overcome, but I think you can use some of the Benjamin Button magic on Will’s face to Freshen up the Prince (pun intended). There is one big racial downside to casting Will, which I'm sure you already all know. He's not Native American. But I think we can have some flexibility in the name of art. Plus if you’re really lucky you’ll get a wonderful Will Smith end credit rap song!
4) CHANNING TATUM.
As my niece would say: “OMG OMG OMG! HE IS SO HOT!” Channing looks like a cross between Robert Pattinson, Josh Hartnett, and Sarah Palin’s slow baby. He will really help solidify the teen girl and 40-something spinster fanbase. The other good thing is that you know Channing can dance (see Step Up and Step Up 2 Da Streetz for proof). His dancing skills will make all the action scenes more realistic. Also as an additional suggestion, I think the third film should feature a dancebattle between Jacob and Edmond for Bella’s heart.
5) Outside the Box - ROBIN WILLIAMS
I loved Twilight as much as the next girl. But after the third viewing, I really started to wish there was some comic relief. The film is so serious and romantic all the time, and sometimes a girl wants some laughter after swooning. Like with Will Smith, there is an age difference. However, I just remembered that Edmond is supposed to be over 100 years old, so clearly there isn’t an issue with a teenage girl dating an older guy in the Twilight universe. The best part about Robin Williams is that you wouldn’t have to do any Werewolf makeup due to his natural fur.
Hugs and Kisses,
Hama Mama
P.S. - The inscription on the book for my niece should read:
“To Hama Mama’s darling niece, You are the cutest. Yes, you are. Yes, you are! Love, Stephanie Meyer.”
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