Number 1 Film Site: new moon

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

HOLIDAY FILM WATCHING FOR JEW AND OTHER NO CHRISTMAS

Posted by Dang Sook Wi

This is me, Dang Sook Wi here to give you guide for your watching pleasures on holiday if you are not a fan of the Santa Claus and tree and Jesus. My guide hopefully will pass time for you Jew, Muslin, Xanadu and Kwanzaas out there while you wait for friends who wait for the Santa and Jesus to come.

Many no Christmas peoples like to pass their time with the films and this is why we at Number 1 Film site are here to save your day. I will give you guide to make your yes Christmas friends jealous of times spent on holiday.

Okay no more beat around the bush, time for actions.

1. VALKYRIE

This is big no brainer. Tom Cruise, a fellow no Christmas who follows Xanadu instead of Jesus, and his friends try to kill repressed homosexual and failed artist Nazi man Adolf. They are all very angry and don't like their leader. Dang Sook Wi has not seen as of press time, but I think that they try to convince Adolf to pick up the brush again and they instead try to kill him and many Nazi friends. I like this. Go watch Valkyrie and make fun of the little angry mustache man.

Click below to see the rest!

2. THE HEBREW HAMMER

This one will unite all of the no Christmas people's, even the Muslin folk. A funny Jew named Mordechai Jefferson Carver, who is played by the funny Jew Adam Goldberg, teams up with other no Christmas peoples, including Kwanzaas, to go after the evil friend of Jesus, the Santa Claus, and topple his evil Christmas empire.

3. TWILIGHT

Okay, Dang Sook Wi admits there is Twilight bias here on Number 1 Film site, but really just look at him. Robert Pattinson is able to be sparkly and awesome and make it seem like a tremendous burden and a curse even though he is clearly awesome. Dang Sook Wi really likes this sort of thing and so does all Number 1 Film site staff. Also, all no Christmas peoples will like him too.

4. THE NATIVITY STORY

Twilight lady Catherine Hardwicke delivers film about the Jesus and his friends. A little girl is his mother and she rode the whales in Whale Rider which Dang Sook Wi likes a lot. Also, some of the yes Christmas folks can enjoy this one too because it celebrates their leader Jesus and I think (I haven't seen it so I'm not sure) that his friend Santa Claus might be in there too (there are many beards in the trailers).

5. THE GOLDEN COMPASS

From the Twilight 2 man Chris Weitz comes the story of a big bear (seen above) who wears some sort of gear and rides children on his back and a big golden compass (of title). Now, Dang Sook Wi has not seen this one but is aware that no Christmas and no Jesus peoples will appreciate it because it is about the bear and his friends and their navigational tool trying to kill the Jesus and his followers and the gray bearded man in the sky (not Santa I don't think). Dang Sook Wi likes bears and is no Christmas himself so he is interested in joining you, fellow no Christmas readers, in enjoying Twilight 2 man's adventure story of the bear and his friends trying to get rid of all the yes Christmas guys.

HAPPY JEW PEOPLES AND NO CHRISTMAS TO ALL OTHERS FROM DANG SOOK WI AND NUMBER 1 FILM SITE

I just like to say without you readership Dang Sook Wi has no job and no way to pay bills and do his journalisms like calling the movie peoples and tracking the scoops for you. So to our dedicated readerships I want to extend warm wishes from the heart of Dang Sook Wi and I urge you to write to me and tell me about your experiences watching the Jew and no Christmas entertainments that I have provided to you. You can do this at the dangsookwi@gmail.com and yes I read them and respond to them all. Now go eat the yum-yums of Jew and no Christmas foods and watch the movies and make your yes Christmas friends wish they could be no Christmas too secretly.

And to the yes Christmas readers, I love you too and do not worry you can watch the Jew and no Christmas movies and have fun too. Dang Sook Wi doesn't want to alienate the yes Christmas readers because he loves you too and as mentioned above would like to continue to do the journalisms such as tracking scoops, reporting and breaking stories, talking to the movie peoples, and providing the readerships with lists like this one for many years to come.

Safe everything and happy eats and good loves to all the readership from me
DANG SOOK WI

Sunday, December 21, 2008

HAMA MAMA CASTS - TWILIGHT 2 : A NEW MOON - THE FANS HAVE SPOKEN!!!

Posted by THE HAMA MAMA

Due to the overwhelming success of my first casting column (HAMA MAMA CASTS BATMAN SE7EN) I'm back with another issue of the number 1 casting column for a number 1 fan favorite film: TWILIGHT EPISODE TWO: A NEW MOON.

Because you are not an informed entertainment reporter like myself, you may not know that Christopher Weitz has taken over the directing reigns from Cathy Hardwicke for the sequel. This prince of motion pictures previously brought us American Pie, About a Boy, and Golden Compass: Edge of the World. These were all massive worldwide hits, and illustrate Christopher’s expertise in making fantastical elements feel realistic, such as Jason Biggs having sex with a hot girl or Nicole Kidman being able to move her face.

The rumor mill is a spinning with the news that Jacob (the underage Native American who turns into a werewolf) will be recast in the new Twilight film. Hama Mama strongly agrees with this decision, as she has a hard time picturing Sharkboy turning into a Wolfboy. While they both have sharp teeth and are deadly killers, they also are from two different worlds (i.e. - Sharks live in the Ocean, and Werewolves live on the moon). Sorry Taylor Lautner, you’ll just have to live off the massive residual checks from the first film until they make Sharkboy and Lavagirl 2.

To help Christopher Weitz, Stephanie Meyer, and the professional movie distributors at Summit Entertainment, I am willing to offer some free casting advice. In lieu of payment, I would appreciate a signed Twilight book for my niece.

HAMA MAMA GUIDE TO RECASTING JACOB aka HAIRY NATIVE WEREWOLF AMERICAN

1) The obvious choice - ROBERT PATTINSON
We already know the Twilight fans love this dreamy dreamboat. He was beyond excellent as Edmond in the first film. Who else could make sparkly skin seem so broody? He was totally believable when pretending that having sparkly skin was a terrible curse, and when pretending the delectable Kristin Rachel Stewart smelled like rotten socks stuffed with rotten crabmeat. This guy has chops! And he can act too! So let's just cut to the chase. Your best bet is to cast Robert Pattinson as both Edmond AND Jacob. Put him in white-sparkly-face for the Vampire and red-hairy-face for the Werewolf, and you guarantee yourself at least $500 billion worldwide. The best part is that my niece told me Edmond disappears for most of the second story anyway!

2) ALL CG CHARACTER VOICED BY ROBERT PATTINSON
OK, so you're worried that maybe it will be confusing if Robert Pattinson is playing both of Bella's love interests. I think you're wrong, but I respect your wrong opinion. With science where it is today, I think the wizards at Industrial Wizards and Magic can make an incredible CG werewolf creature with all the acting ability of Robert Pattinson, but without the confusingly perfect cheekbones and stunning vampire brow. This way you can dial in exactly how "Native" you want the Native American. For bonus fanboy and fangirl love I would get Gollum to do the motion capture for Jacob.

3) WILL SMITH
Sure, he's not as big of a movie star as Robert Pattinson, but he's definitely a step up from Taylor Lautner. There's a bit of an age difference to overcome, but I think you can use some of the Benjamin Button magic on Will’s face to Freshen up the Prince (pun intended). There is one big racial downside to casting Will, which I'm sure you already all know. He's not Native American. But I think we can have some flexibility in the name of art. Plus if you’re really lucky you’ll get a wonderful Will Smith end credit rap song!

4) CHANNING TATUM.
As my niece would say: “OMG OMG OMG! HE IS SO HOT!” Channing looks like a cross between Robert Pattinson, Josh Hartnett, and Sarah Palin’s slow baby. He will really help solidify the teen girl and 40-something spinster fanbase. The other good thing is that you know Channing can dance (see Step Up and Step Up 2 Da Streetz for proof). His dancing skills will make all the action scenes more realistic. Also as an additional suggestion, I think the third film should feature a dancebattle between Jacob and Edmond for Bella’s heart.

5) Outside the Box - ROBIN WILLIAMS
I loved Twilight as much as the next girl. But after the third viewing, I really started to wish there was some comic relief. The film is so serious and romantic all the time, and sometimes a girl wants some laughter after swooning. Like with Will Smith, there is an age difference. However, I just remembered that Edmond is supposed to be over 100 years old, so clearly there isn’t an issue with a teenage girl dating an older guy in the Twilight universe. The best part about Robin Williams is that you wouldn’t have to do any Werewolf makeup due to his natural fur.

Hugs and Kisses,
Hama Mama

P.S. - The inscription on the book for my niece should read:
“To Hama Mama’s darling niece, You are the cutest. Yes, you are. Yes, you are! Love, Stephanie Meyer.”